Blessed Journey to Being Her Mommy

Imagine living in a world that is completely opposite of everything you know.  Imagine this is your reality.  Imagine not having parents.  Imagine not knowing Jesus.  Imagine not knowing how loved you are.  Imagine never hearing the words "I love you".  Imagine only seeing yourself as a product.  Imagine being trapped in a dark room with only satan spreading lies to you and speaking death over your life.  Imagine not knowing there are grace, mercy and love waiting for you right outside that door.  Imagine never knowing there is light and all you have to do is ask for it.  Imagine searching for something to fill the gap in your heart, but never finding it, and constantly turning to alcohol, sex, and addictions.  Imagine finding humor instead of compassion as you see all the lost and confused people.  Imagine being that lost!

My eyes were open to this reality on a trip to China back in the summer of 2009.  It was no longer simply imagining for me.  It became reality.  It was on that trip, I was able to play with children--the unwanted girls of China.  Yes, there were boys, but majority of these angels were girls who were given up for no other reason than because they were not boys. :(  Then, I had the privilege to go to Zambia for four weeks in 2010 followed by a trip to Latvia in 2011.  

As I played with these children, I was exposed to the horror they lived.  As I loved on these orphans and vulnerable children, I prayed for them.  And as I prayed for these little ones, I was consumed with the sadness, hopelessness, and fear they were feeling.  I asked God to bring true love, hope and joy into their lives.  And as I realized that there are some things I would never truly wrap my mind around, it was also revealed to me that there was something I could do...something more than visiting them for a few weeks at a time and then leaving.

What?  What could I do from the comfort of my home, on the other side of the world?  Wasn't I doing my part, spending my summers teaching them English, showing them Christ's love?  Wasn't I being the hands and feet of Christ?  What more was God asking me to do?  I began asking God if He was calling me to get outta my comfort zone where life was "easy" and predictable.  Was He asking me to give of myself to help another?  I am the first one to step out and challenge someone who states that caring for the orphans and widows is an option or at best a suggestion.  But now I was being challenged to do more than give of myself for a few weeks in the summer.  I was being challenged...am I really ready to be used?  

There are hurting  children waiting today for their forever family.  I could wait until I was married, had more money, had accomplished all that I wanted to, visited every country on my "bucket list"...and while I waited, my baby girl spends another day without me.  Stop and think of that.  Everyday we wait, children grow older and that much closer to the day of horror...the day they age out and are turned out, onto the streets.  Is it okay with you for a child to live another day alone in an orphanage?  Hungry?  Unclothed?  Unwanted?  Unloved?  It's not okay with me!  It is not okay, Lord!!!  And so, I began questioning if I was to become a mother to one of the 147 million angels waiting for their forever families. 

My answer came in December 2010, when I started looking at the faces of children waiting for their forever families, and reflecting on my time overseas.  There was a particular lil' girl, whom I will call "Katie" who particularly stole my heart.  I spent the next two months praying for this lil' angel.  Then, after much prayer, I acted in obedience, and finally inquired about her on Feb 16th.  After deciding to pursue "Katie", I quickly contacted Bev to complete my homestudy (who is awesome) on February 21st.  That began, what seemed to be, the endless mountain of paperwork, that consumed much of my "free time", for the weeks and months to come.  

Fast-forward to May 3rd.  My heart was ripped out when I received the painful news that "Katie" was not the child the Lord had for me, at this time.  What?!?!?  My daughter is someone else?!?!?  How could this be?  There must be some mistake?  This is the lil' girl He had laid on my heart, not only to pray for, but to pursue.  How could this possibly be?  So, I did the only thing I could do...I prayed, I cried, I questioned, I sought out the support from my small (very small) group of loving friends...and we talked and prayed some more.  They listened as I poured out my heart and then encouraged and reassured me of His promises.  And in His time, He brought peace...and my lil' V.

I can remember praying and telling God that He knew my heart, but that I was releasing it to Him, trusting in His plan for "Katie" and me.  So, I restlessly waited and as I waited I sought out attorneys to help bring "Katie" home...so...maybe I was actively waiting... :)  Nonetheless, eventually all the doors were closed (for now, as I still pray for the opportunity to bring her home).  I shared my deepest fears with a few select friends, who I trusted enough to be completely vulnerable with.  And through those deep discussions we were unable to find any reason why I should not continue through the adoption process, and trust Him to reveal my daughter to me.

Once again, I found myself looking at pictures of children living lives of hopelessness halfway around the world.  I would make inquiries about lil' girls within my age range, but no one was my sweet "Katie".  I had no peace and felt as though, by looking at other children, I was "giving up" on "Katie".  I would cry...look...and cry some more...it was depressing to say the least.  And then there was lil' V's picture.  I saw her and knew that she was the one I was suppose to be pursuing.

Just two months later, I find myself anxiously waiting for the call announcing my travel dates (to travel to meet my daughter).  According to the "typical" (as if anything with an adoption is typical) time line, that call should be coming any day now...and I could find myself on a plane traveling to "officially" commit to becoming lil' V's mommy.  What a day that will be!!  I LOVE you so much little girl.  Just hang in there!  I will get to meet you soon!!!!  I pray someone gave you a hug and a kiss today and everyday.